So in case you were wondering, I didn't die or quit yoga. The long delay has been due to two (that's fun to say, try it, due to two, due to two...)factors. Life has been overwhelmingly busy lately and I have been trying to find a way to express some yoga related internal struggles without sounding like either a spoiled brat or Hobbes (the Leviathan author, not the stuffed tiger). Basically, I have some self image problems and a lot of trust issues. Yoga is actually helping with both of those, but the process can sometimes be a painful one. As briefly as possible, I am not a big fan of myself and often feel compelled to compete to "make up" for how inadequate I feel. Of course that does not really fix anything. So even in yoga I find myself really wanting to do flashy poses and beat myself up when I am not making as much progress as I would like. The inconsistency of my body and what poses are available day in and day out is also a source or much frustration. Some days I am able to laugh at myself in a healthy way, mentally shrug at my misplaced priorities and then get refocus. Too many times I find myself glancing around the room and comparing or "competing" with my fellow students. Aside from the obvious physical health risks of pushing too hard to get into a pose I am not ready for, there is a lot of mental damage being done by tying my self worth with what I can do on my mat.
Thankfully, Amsa is a place to grow not only physically, but mentally and even spiritually. I am not going to go into the whole yoga as religion or religion substitute debate right now (though I have thought a lot about it) but I will say that I feel introspection and a careful examination of the choices we make in our daily lives is a logical progression as a person deepens their practice. So basically, I am saying that I have been making some pretty poor yoga related choices, but I am aware of these choices and I am also aware that simply being depressed or angry about those choices is not productive. I have been receiving a lot of good counsel recently and I think some of it is slowly sinking into my head. There is so much more to learn incorporate at Amsa than the asanas. Hopefully I can listen and absorb the wisdom available to me. My inner voice sounds a lot like the eternally pessimistic Eeyore right now, but it is pretty loud in there and who knows what I may find if I can still my thoughts. My wife Amanda recently told me that I am full of Pooh (I can only assume she meant the lovable happy bear. I thought asking for clarification might not be a good idea). Here's hoping that a grand adventure is just around the corner...
Big hug!
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